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SEX POT (2009)

This is one of my favorite movies of all time. I am not a pot smoker, in fact, I've never done any drugs such as alcohol, weed, etc. However, I still thoroughly enjoyed this movie. It is created by Asylum, who makes fantastic B movies. I heavily prefer B movies, as they have much more charm and are more "real". Hollywood movies spend millions of dollars, which ends up creating a overly polished movie, too many sound effects, overdone and worthless CGI for every little thing, it just isn't "real" to me. It feels like I'm watching something with foggy glasses. I can't sit through a Holllywood movie, I don't know how the normies do it.

However, Sex Pot is exactly my type of movie. It is simple, just two guys, a few cameras, and a story. Mert, the cute chubby guy, has his friend Spanky, the thin guy, come over to his house. They start by spying on their neighbors, who are two hot lesbos. However, the sexy lesbians catch them and end up beating the two horny guys up. Don't be confused, they don't beat the guys off, they beat them up. Demoralized, the guys go back to Mert's apartment and start smoking this weed which makes you super horny and also forgetful. They end up having sex with food while watching a porno, and Mert accidentally somehow ends up sucking Spanky's dick. Whoopsiessss. Mert wants to get even and tries to convince Spanky to suck Mert's dick, but Spanky refuses.

The adventure begins when the two hot lesbos invite the guys to a party in Malibu. Basically, the rest of the movie is their adventure to get to the party, a lot of good stuff happens during this time. I don't want to spoil anymore than I have, so I encourage you to watch it. I will say that in my review, I really enjoyed that they showed boobs right away in the movie. It keeps you waiting for more. Most of the girls in this movie have implants, unfortuantely. I really prefer small and natural boobs on a girl.

Throughout the story, the villian in this story is Mert's brother's ex girlfriend, Pinky. She looks like a total jewess straight out of aushwitz. She is extremely boney thin and looks like she could turn you to gold if she stared at you hard enough. Basically, she is incredibly scary both in terms of looks and her actions. She is the typical BPD type of chick who is obsessive over her ex. She finds her way into the story multiple times, and each time I have the urge to throw a bagel at the screen for her to eat. On a positive note, I will say that in once scene you can see her panties and I really like the pattern on the panties.

The guys go to a bikini carwash (which is the title of another B movie I've watched) and they get a scrub down from a babe and her farm animal of a friend. I noticed that in the camera shots, they made sure to stick the skinnier hotter chick in front of the farm animal, which was a good call. If that girl is ever reading this review, I'm just joking. I'm sure you've got a beautiful personality. Anyways, Pinky smeared gorilla shit all over Mert's car, which is why he's at this car wash. The girls start rubbing their boobs all over the car windows, meaning that in the story they were smearing their tits all over gorilla shit.

Not too long later, Spanky encounters a black tranny who offers a blow job. The only catch is that Spanky is the one-a-suckin'. Luckily Mert finds Spanky before he was about to slurp up some smoked sausage. The tranny and it's friend then tag along with Spanky and Mert to go to the party. I really enjoyed that they used an actual woman to portray the tranny in this movie. It was a lot more immersive, as black trannies are often the most convincing for some reason. I think it's because their face is darker, so you can't see the outlines of a man as easily.

Long story short, they end up arriving to the party and it is FULL OF BABES. Well, babes with fake tits. Honestly, not really my thing so I wasn't super attracted to any of the women in this scene. I would have sex with the one blonde chick because she had nice natural tits, she's the one peering over the balcony. I was happy to see that Mert and Pinky both SPOIIIILERRRRS got laid in this scene. I just wish that Mert didn't have to have sex with Pinky. He probably felt like he was having sex with Howard Stern. I think it was implied that Mert fucked all the girls at the party, as he should. He's really attractive. Which actually brings me to my next point. The guy who plays Mert is super attractive. I like that chubby guy look, especially with that shaggy hair and maybe even some facial hair. He was very cute in Sex Pot, but he looks even better in this one movie from 2010 called Cheerleader Camp. I love me a guy who isn't afraid to look like a man. I like how his upper arms look.

Side note, in general I really like chubby guys. I like that they aren't afraid to eat, I especially like if they have a slightly unkempt look, some facial hair, are uncut, and it just looks manlier to be pudgy. I also heavily prefer older men, age 35-59. I would say 60, but I can't think of a 60 year old man I find attractive. I'll update this when Brian Quinn turns 60.

However, Seth Adam Cassell RUINED HIS LOOK BY LOSING WEIGHT AND CUTTING HIS HAIR.

I admit that currently, he isn't a bad looking guy. He's objectively attractive, I'm sure most of us could admit that. But his old look was so much better. He was so manly, now he kinda just looks like some guy. Seth, if you're reading this, please gain some weight and grow your hair to be shaggy. I know you have a wife and kids so maybe your wife has different demands, but us fangirls are begging for you to go with your 2008-2010 look. Please? I'm an actor too, maybe we can make a movie together. I have high quality cameras and I'm great at post production, if you ever need the money I will write a new B movie for you to star in.

Ugly Benny (2015)

I really enjoy watching children's movies about dogs. I call them "dog movies". Most of these movies are very relaxing to watch, except in one movie where they killed of one the puppies off. But that wasn't in this movie. This movie is actually great, I like that it all takes place in the same area for almost the entire movie: a pet store. This pet store is owned by an old husband and wife. One day, a puppy, who is said to be ugly but I personally think he's cute, is dropped off at the pet store. No customers are interested in buying him, so the owners end up taking him in as their own. They call him "Benny". This is not the type of dog movie where the animal has dialoge or has a moving mouth, he simply acts like a regular dog. Except, this dog can understand what people are saying. He has intuition and helps use that throughout the movie to help people.

Later into the story, a nearby shop owner is angry that a little boy is stealing milk from his store. The little boy ends up escaping to the pet store to hide. The owners try to talk to the boy, but like a lil bitch he runs away. This happens a few more times, and eventually they convince the boy to help out at the shop. They paid him for his time, he ended up paying for the stolen milk, then he started buying cat food from the pet shop. The reason why he was stealing the milk was to feed this cat he befriended nearby.

All is well, until one day the kid's mom (his name is Alex) angrily storms into the pet store, saying that Alex is no longer allowed to work there. The store owners are concerend and try to ask why, but the mom decides to be a bitch and just storms out without any explination. Did alex killed? Did alex get pregnant? why isn't he allowed to work at the pet store anymore? Later it is revealed that it's because the dad is a loser and a horrbile provider for his family, because he lost his job so they're moving to LA for more job opportunities as a DISH WASHER. I think. I can't really remember. Why not pimp out your wife? She could make you tousands in just one night. Anyways, the pet store owner found a local job for the dead beat dad, Alex gets to work at the pet store, all is well. Except, there was one scene in here where the mom made Alex give his cat away to the pound. I found this extremely distastful, what loving parent forces their child to get rid of their pet? I guess it is a dog movie, though. Cat movis are usually made by gays and lesbians.

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT MY REVIEWS ARE MORE LIKE A SYNOPSIS THAN A REVIEW. I WILL ATTEMPT TO WRITE MY REVIEWS AS AN ACTUAL REVIEW. SORRY FOR ANYONE WHO HAD THEIR MOVIE NIGHT RUINED BY SPOILERS.

Sam and Elvis (2018)

Here's another dog movie review. Sam and Elvis looked interesting to me, mostly because I had never seen a dog movie involving a bulldog. Most dog movies involve mutts or jack russles for some reason. Honestly, I feel a little duped out of this movie. From the cover, it makes it SEEM like you're going to get a movie involving a dog. However, the lady who owns this dog (pictured on the middle right on the cover) owns a TAXIDERMY DOG. The bulldog isn't even alive in this movie. I had a very hard time telling if the bulldog was actually a real taxidermy, or is he was some sort of outdoor statue, or maybe a stuffed animal. I think they used an outside garden statue for the dog, because when they showed close up scenes of the dog, you could see this black stuff on his tongue. It just looked like a hard statue. Anyways, the older lady says she has a taxidermy dog because "dead dogs don't fart". As an owner of pugs, farting is not much of an issue. The hassle comes from being obligated to feed and play with dogs, and as an extremely lazy person, that's a tough sell for me. I don't know why I keep getting dogs, honestly. Back to the review, I felt really duped that they made Elvis, the dog, seem like a huge part of the story. He's only referenced here and there, doesn't really add anything to the story. I probably wouldn't have even watched this movie if it weren't for the dog in it. So the dog is basically useless in this entire movie.

Aside from the fake dead dog, the latina(?) teen on the middle left is in foster care. It's decided that she will be moving in with her aunt, who is the lady who owns the fake dead dog. The lady on the far left with the pixie cut is the social worker. So the latina moves in with her aunt and they aren't getting along very well in the beginning. However, time progresses and they get closer together. Then one day when the latina is home alone, some dude is trying to get into the house. He ends up sneaking in through a window. Turns out, this dude is actually the owner of the house, I guess a landlord, and he's good friends with the aunt, who lives in the house. So the landlord and latina are in the kitchen alone together. I wonder if he wanted to have sex with her since they were alone. Anyways, the older lady ends up coming home a few minutes after this ordeal. From this scene on, the landlord guy and lady are basically inseperable. It's not clear if the lady and landlord are in a relationship, it felt like more of a friendship. She claimed that she "always paid rent on time". It's not clear HOW she paid rent. Money? Body? I wish they clarified the relationship of the landlord and lady more. Make it painfully obvious that there is or is not any sexual tension, please.

A while later and the latina rushes into the bathroom vomitting. The lady gets concerned and brings her to the doctor. Turns out someone got this latina bitch pregnant while she was in foster care. !Ay papi! I guess she was fostering boners while she was in foster care. I highly dislike that underage pregnancy is a topic brought up in what I thought was a childrens movie. So not only was I duped out of a dog movie, I was also duped out of an innocent movie experience. Now her and her aunt are talking about abortions. The aunt was pushing for her to get an abortion, but as a true latina, the latina babe wanted to not vaccuum out her child. It's in their blood to have as many children as possible, so it's a good thing she's starting young. Anyways, she decides she will give up the child for adoption. The annoying social worker tries to help find a family for the baby, but the latina is too picky about who will get her kid. Even when they visit the good white couple's house, she has a freakout over it. Maybe don't let Juan spunk up your sweet taco then. The latina was extremely annoying throughout this movie, every little thing annoyed her or made her angry. I guess thats why they call latinas spicy.

There is this one scene where the landlord brings the latina to the beach and they're wearing these matching red and white striped swimsuits. I don't know why, but this scene made me uncomfortable. Why is this man matching his swimsuit with a hot underage pregnant teen? Does he want sloppy seconds? Oh god, do you think he wanted to spray lil fetus manwell with his cum? Long story short, the latina ends up giving the baby to the good white couple. The scene where she hadns the baby over to the couple was so weird, it felt similar to a dog breeder giving away one of the puppies to a family. You have a living human being, then just one second you hand it off to a family and they leave. The scene where she gives the baby away, the fake mom says something like "We are so grateful for you, thank you so much". The dad just walks past the latina muttering "thanks" under his breath. It felt way too passively casual. Maybe it's because he knows he's in for 18 years of hell, all because some latina couldn't keep her tamale to herself.

After this, it cuts to a few months in the future. She's hanging out with some girl friend and adopted like 4 more alive dogs. So to hide the wound of giving her child away, she turned into one of these chicks who gets her thrill from getting a new animal, until she gets bored of that animal, then adopts a new one. This movie wasn't my favorite, but it wasn't bad. It just wasn't what I was looking for: not a dog movie and not child friendly. I know I make horse cock jokes, but a girls gotta relax sometime. I don't want to be reminded that pregnancy exists when I'm looking to watch an innocent dog movie. Do I recommend it? I guess you could watch this movie if you want, I don't know. Make up your own decision, I shouldn't dictate what you do with your time.