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February 20, 2026 Total word count: 4,831 words. The following column may contain words, imagery, and ideas that are offensive to some. If you do not like offensive humor, do not progress reading. This is the tenth entry in my monthly columns (which is not strcitly released on a monthly basis). The subjects and questions were submitted to me via email (ashleyjones@icum.to) and my discussion board ( https://tubgurl.com/ashleyj/thread/29878.html ). Please submit your questions, tip requests, suggestions, etc. via email with the subject line, "MONTHLY COLUMN", or in the thread linked about the monthly column. In this column, I will discuss the following topics: ================================================= 
Fan Art of the Month: Derrick's Room Take a look at this insane art work one of the tubsisters on tubgurl.com made for me. This is so detailed that you must open this image in a new tab and look at every little detail. Every pixel is filled with something, and there are many references to not only my videos, but to funny things that have happened in my life. For example. there is a child's drawing of a naked lady, which is the drawing I made for my friend in elementary school which got me in a lot of trouble. What are we doing dragging a little kid to the principals office multiple times over what is essentially a stick figure drawing? Imagine how humorless those people are to make those decisions. My humor got me in trouble at school multiple times, as my videos I made when I was 15 landed me to become suspended and talked to by the police. Land of the free. Mind you, I did nothing illegal. In any event, this picture captures many memories. My favorite part is Chester. If you like this picture, post about it on Tubgurl.com and let's discuss it. Thank you to the talented individual who made this image, it's really cool. ================================================= 
Are you ready to kill yourself, but haven't thought of the tastiest way to do it yet? What if I told you that one night when cooking dinner, I was panicked over the sight of an old potato, and I tried to escort it out of my house with a long pair of tongs, because I was afraid this old potato was going to kill me? This is not an exaggeration and my fears were completely real, as absurd as it sounds. Yes, old potatoes are lethal. When geriatric, the potatos emit a deadly chemical. It is particularly deadly if the smell is trapped in an enclosed area, such as a root cellar. However, this was in my kitchen, so it really posed no death risk to me, but I was still very concerned. This concern turned into a brilliant idea. There are medical companies collecting thousands of dollars for injecting poison into depressed people who voluntarily die. Well, why not just let a potato rot and sell it to a depressed person to huff in a basement? You could enjoy french fries made out of the other old potatoes as you wait to exit. I feel like dying surrounded by people you love is overrated. Try dying surrounded by a bunch of potatoes. (I would encourage nobody to actually try this, nor anybody to kill oneself. Never sniff, huff, or be near an old potato. It is deadly.) =================================================
Brownie Apology The recipes I put in my monthly columns are all real. By following these recipes, you will get the exact results you expect... unless you followed my brownie recipe. Yes, in my December 2024 issue I accidentally left out a key ingredient in my brownie recipe. I found this out when I was using my website's recipe to make brownies. I had left out the key ingredient, flour, for the brownies. This resulted in what was essentially chocolate fried eggs, which made my husband gag, and it made him gag more when I put a piece of the fries egg in my mouth. After I was done taunting him with this abortion of a desert, I had to refer back to my website's recipe to see what went wrong. That's when I realized I left out flour in the ingredients. I suspect most of my readers are middle aged males who have never baked. I imagine one of you took the chance to try baking for once and followed my brownie recipe, only to think it was some cruel joke that made you have chocolate fried eggs, or perhaps you thought you were a terrible cook, or perhaps you thought I was a stupid retard. Well, the last option would be correct. This is my formal apology. I am so sorry I left out one of the most important ingredients in the brownie recipe. I ask if anyone had attempted that recipe, please try the recipe again, this time with flour, which has been added to the recipe. Pro-tip: The brownies are really good with a scoop o' ice cream on it, preferably vanilla ice cream. =================================================
Give us your opinions on weddings and legal marriages, do you think they're a scam? Most men would say so, but what is your perspective as a "based" woman? In the United States, there is something called "separation from church and state". This means that religion and government shan't intertwine, and one leaves the other alone. Therefore, I find it strange that what is a religious agreement (marriage) has been adopted by the government (known as marriage licenses). Even before abiding by Christianity, I never agreed that marriage is to be determined by the government. For centuries, millennia, marriage was between two people and God. Imagine two people in a deserted forest whom love each other, live together, are loyal, and have children. In 1300, you would call them married. Today, they would be called cohabitating babysitters. Marriage is between two people and God. Yet, after people have a wedding, they still fill out government paperwork to feel "married", as if government overrides God. And to many people -- government does override God. At what benefit? What does government marriage grant you? It grants the woman the ability to leave at any moment for any reason, take all of the male's belongings, and take away the children. What does marriage from God grant you? Loyalty, the ability to persevere with your loved one through illness, hardship, until death. The ability to rely on God, prayer, and scripture rather than profit-driven therapists whom often encourage the breaking of a marriage. I feel as though government has hijacked what marriage actually is. It was once religious, and is now essentially a business agreement. Government marriage is all about numbers and ownership rather than anything relating to a personal relationship. For example, I found it strange that marriage is supposedly an agreement among two people to be loyal, yet, if one breaks that contract and cheats, that person is not held legally responsible. As mentioned earlier, tax debt by one person is then also assigned to the other marriage when married. Actual marriage does not permit "divorce" unless the other party were abusive, yet, we find breaking of this government contract for many other reasons. Government marriage is obviously not relating to true marriage, and I find it admirable for a couple to not rely on government documentation to dictate how loyal one is to their husband or wife. I admire if someone believe in the true origin of marriage rather than this bastardization of marriage. As for weddings, I personally do not believe that the extravagant, "showy" motions of a wedding have much to do with the commitment. I feel as though it is "wordly" for such a spiritual commitment. ------------------------------------------
New Year Resolutions and My Birthday Last month marked the new year, meaning that I must mentally set goals. Since I am already skinny, my goal doesn't have to be "lose weight" like the rest of America. Honestly, those people are setting the bar too high. Their goal should be, "fit into rascal scooter without crushing it". Despite being a skinny legend, there are still other aspects of my life that require goal-setting. First and foremost, I have hundreds of VHS tapes. Many are movies, and I watch around 2 a week. However, I also have many tapes that were blank and pre-recorded on with TV shows by the previous owner. These are my favorite VHS tapes, especially if they have home movies on them, because I am a voyeur. What's extra creepy is when you have home videos of little girls pracitcing gymnasitcs. I feel like those could sell for a lot on eBay. Since I have a large collection of "pre-recorded" VHS tapes, I have wanted to start widdling down the "to watch" pile. Therefore, my goal is to watch at least one a week. These tapes can last up to 8 hours if recorded on SLP, so I may spread that viewing time across a few days. I have already watched 6 tapes, as I started this goal in December. My favorite part of this goal is how I mark the watched tapes. I have circular stickers, in various colors such as neon pink, neon green, neon blue, neon blonde, etc.; and after a complete viewing of the tape, I place a sticker on the spine of the VHS tape box to mark as "watched". That way, when I am viewing my large VHS tape collection, I know which pre-recorded tapes I have watched. Most of these are recording of TV shows, movies that were aired on TV, and my favorite, local news shows, which are rare to come by in my collection. I have yet to come across random porno filmed in the middle of the tape, unlike these fellas: Pretty sure I have that on tape too. Ambatukam, not The Mask. I do have a dream of recording really weird stuff to a VHS tape movie (you can record over movies, you just have to remove a tab on the tape), and donate it to a thrift store. That way, if it were a "The Nutty Professor" tape, the employees wouldn't suspect something weird on the tape, and it could land in the hands of the victim. You could pre-select your victim based on the type of tape. For old women, pick Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. For old men, pick GunFighters of the Old West. In that case, I would've been your victim because I just picked up that tape the other day. Also, it was my birthday. I am another year too old to watch The WIggles. ------------------------------------------
Do you have dream destinations? I do not believe most people out there are content with just staying in one location. If not, I would like to hear about a place you traveled to while you were younger. Even though you are Mexican it is very racist for me to assume you are poor, and even poor people go out to a fun place sometimes. Please tell me about a trip you had as a child (+photos which i will not jerk off to) I don't like to travel or leave my house much. I am really content with being in my house, it has everything I like, I have endless reading material thanks to the internet, I have food, comfort, safety of basic needs met (temperature control, infection-control (showers)). Many people I have talked to assume I am depressed or otherwise afraid of socializing due to my firm preference to stay home. However, this is not true at all. I socialize fine with people, but I am not looking for friends nor do I need socializing to feel satisfied. It drains me, actually. Being home is complete comfort, anytime I am anywhere else, I am just waiting until I can return back to my comfortable room. Though, there are some reasons why I don't like leaving. I don't like to leave due to having no interest in what the outside has to offer and my phobia of car crashes. I have a fear of car crashes because it is impossible to control what other drivers are doing. And I don't drive, so I am also reliant on another person to make those dodging decisions for me. I constantly hear about drunk driving fatalities, where the victims die, but the drunk driver usually lives. To avoid these sad and tragic events, I prefer to stay home even more. However, I do like nature, and therefore I do like being "outside", just away from people. I am not afraid of people nor have social anxiety. I also have no desire to change how I feel regarding this topic, as many extroverted people pressure me to drink to "solve" this issue; when these people fail to understand that different people have different socializing and traveling preferences. However, if I could travel somewhere and ensure that there are few people in that location, I would like to be in the ocean as a fish as to not disturb the other fish. I really like sea life and I find the ocean (inside) relaxing. I love to watch videos of the ocean, and I have tried to astral travel to the ocean before I learned that this may be Satanic. Another place I would travel to is a fictional setting, where I would be living with Duke Nukem. This timeline would involve him already saving the world of alien bastards, so we have no fear of danger in the house or surrounding areas. I mostly envision us waking up together in the same bed, with his really big muscles next to me. I envision me cooking for him, and him cooking for me, since he is a really good barbecuer in my life with him. We have a lot of fun, like he bashes me against the bed in a WWE-type method, and he drags me around in a sack all around the house. Another idea is that he puts me in the trunk of our car and drives me around while yelling in a Persian accent with out foreign music playing -- all muffled from my trunk. I find this really funny and I have actually done this a number of times in real life. The last place I would travel to is the Chinese Buffet, and I do, frequently. ------------------------------------------
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"Why are there so many trannies nowadays? Back in my day there were maybe five in the whole world but now they're everywhere." Yes, I wonder why my search history has trannies popping up so much. Maybe I should change my search from "brazilian double cheeked up tgirls w/ 5 gallons of cum in her balls" to something else. However, I suspect that the rise of t-gurls is due to the fact that by putting on a wig, you can get cancer benefits. I sometimes wear wigs, and one time I happened to be at a store that was having a fund raiser for breast cancer. Well, a woman walked up to me quietly asked, "Do you...... need help?" Her tone was implying I had cancer. I realized it was because I was wearing a terrible wig. Well, I told her yes I do need help and took her up on all of those sweet cancer benefits. I think men also want these benefits. ------------------------------------------
Best places to buy vintage electronics (don't give the real list, keep it secret, keep it safe). Forget thrift stores, antique stores, and yard sales. These people all look up the vintage electronic on eBay and sell it online before it ever has the chance to reach you. The best place to get old garbage is actually from dead people's houses. There is a term for "dead person's belongings sale". It's called an estate sale. These old fucks have really nice vintage electronics that you seriously can't find anywhere else. Some are hit and miss though, so try to scope out if it was a worthless woman that lived there or a man. A man is more likely to have the good stuff. Speaking of dead people. ------------------------------------------
Trina Campanaro The world said goodbye to Trina Campanaro on February 10, 2026. She had a nice life over the span of her 60 years. She spent some of her time working as a sportswear store. Working at A&H Sportswear meant she probably got to wear a comfy sweatsuit while at work. Or a sports bra. Who knows. But you know Trina had to be looking good at work in case one of her celebrity crushes walked in. Her obituary mentions her love for Tom Selleck. That makes two of us, sister. I'm also crazy for Swazey. But, not all of our dreams can come true, because her name is Trina Camparano and not Trina Selleck. Mine is Ashley Jones and not Ashley Swazey. If you really wanna get crazy, my name could be Ashley Swazey-Selleck ;) Wait, that means my initials would be ASS. Trina was also part of the "Red Hat Society" group, which is an all-female, 50y/o+ club in where the women socialize and wear red hats. It was a spin-off of the crypts v.s. bloods, so if you came in with a blue hat, you would be executed on site. HEAVEN OR HELL? MY VERDICT: She was in heaven the moment she first laid eyes on Tom Selleck. If I could be at Trina's funeral, this is what her gravestone would look like: 
Is it true women can detect the faint odor of penis? Yes, if that woman didn't washer her penis that well that morning. But yes, I have smelled ball-sack hands one too many times in my life. Also known as, "duck butter". However, it is a "baller" move to have ball-sack hands, because it's a way to ensure you stand out from the crowd and get noticed more by females. Don't stop at ballsack hands. Do ballsack legs. Ballsack face. Ballsack ballsack. Society likes to act like smells are gross, but smells have pheramones which arouse and attract mates. Therefore, do not correct ballsack hands. Plus, isn't it kind of hot that you're forcing sexy women to smell your ballsack? Sure, there will be some friendly fire like men or old ladies, but the more the merrier. ------------------------------------------ 
BABE OF THE MONTH
Greg Page I loved The Wiggles as a kid, but rewatched it as an adult, you notice things that you looked past as a kid. One of them being how cute Greg Page, the yellow Wiggle, is. Anytime he is on screen, my day is better. Of course I love children's TV shows, mostly shows geared toward toddlers and young children, and when I see a guy who likes kids, knows how to have fun with kids, and is good looking, I will become infatuated. Speaking of fat, when I had watched Racing to the Rainbow, I noticed Greg was looking a little bit chubbier than usual which I thought was so cute. He has a muffin top. He had gained weight because he was going through a divorce during this time -- and he didn't say this. I just pieced it together when researching his wife, as I tend to do with my crushes. But his divorce has a happy ending. He got with a younger and cuter woman and had some babies with her. I would never divorce Greg. That bitch probably just wanted his Elvis collection. Uh-uhh. (Not uh-huh). I wonder when his kid popped out of his wife, if his wife said, "the baby has left the building". Greg is really tall, he is 6' 4" which is 17 inches taller than me. This marks the tallest celebrity crush I have had yet, as I prefer very short men like Michael J. Fox, as I find it to be very cute. But I do not let something like height stop me. I would gladly crawl up Greg's body any time he required, such as baby-bird feeding him if he lost his teeth his wife took in the divorce. The old cast of The Wiggles has since been replaced by women and black people, for which I am glad, because as a black woman, I did not feel represented when watching The Wiggles prior. Aside from this, I think I found out why the original Wiggles was canceled.  I don't think they're being any better about the revival, either.  ------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------ 
BABE OF THE MONTH (extra)
Worf gif I haven't watched much Star Trek, so I didn't know who this was, but I wanted to know more. Then, that is when I learned I found a black man attractive. He didn't look very black in that gif. I'm unsure what he's doing in that gif, but it looks like his mom just took lasagna out of the oven and he's smelling how delicious it is. Or maybe he was walking and realized he had just stepped on a turtle. Either way, I would watch Star Trek for Worf.
I also have a non-sexual obsession with William Shatner (the shat man), due to the many funny things he has done such as acting, performing Rocket Man terribly, and his various albums, and eating cereal while in a self driving Tesla (this was a psyop, but let's pretend not everything on earth is fake and gay). Here is that image. It's wallpaper quality, I would actually urge you to set this as your wallpaper right now. It's probably something stupid like anime girls. Change it to William Shatner eating cereal right now. Recipe of the Month Brownies (corrected) Seeing as I forgot to add flour into the previous brownie recipe and there were just pieces of actual fried egg in the brownies because of this, I added the correct brownie recipe below. 1 1/2 cups egg whites
Place all egg products in the bowl. Mix well. Place your mix inside a baking sheet. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cook egg brownies for 20 minutes. Serve and enjoy. ------------------------------------------ This is the end of the monthly column The subjects and questions were submitted to me via email (ashleyjones@icum.to) and my discussion board ( https://tubgurl.com/ashleyj/thread/29878.html ). Please submit your questions, tip requests, suggestions, etc. via email with the subject line, "MONTHLY COLUMN", or in the thread linked about the monthly column. I will address them in future monthly column issues. If you are a teacher who wants to use my column as educational reading material for students, you are welcome to do so. About the author: Ashley Jones Ashley Jones, author of other works such as, "Kevin Sorbo and the Baby Oil", is an esteemed creative writer and comic book creator. She is self-taught, yet many readers agree her skills surpass those who were trained in professional settings. Her goal in life is to work with the elderly in a retirement home in an attempt to acquire their posessions before they perish. She is survived by her two dogs. |
I am including obituaries in my future columns. If you or anyone you know has recently died, please email me with the details. I will include a small memorial for them in my next column. Please email me the dead fuck's name, a picture of them, a little information about them (what they acheived in life, their line of work, if they were ever married/divorced, had kids, etc.), and include the cause of death. I think it's really irritating that obituaries rarely include the cause of death out of "respect". Now I feel like a disrespectful retard because I'm trying to search online as to how this person died. Anyways, email me ashleyjones@icum.to if you have someone you want to be memorialized in the next monthly column.
