Total word count: 8,289 words.

This is the fif entry in my monthly columns (which is not strcitly released on a monthly basis). The subjects and questions were submitted to me via email (ashleyjones@icum.to) and my discussion board ( https://tubgurl.com/ashleyj/thread/29878.html ). Please submit your questions, tip requests, suggestions, etc. via email with the subject line, "MONTHLY COLUMN", or in the thread linked about the monthly column.

In this column, I will discuss the following topics:
-I'm trying to force feminize... myself.
-Anti-aging secrets and tips
-Confession: I sometimes feel funny when I see pictures of bears with women
-Genuine question, why do you think it's ok to exploit people's loneliness for money? I didn't expect this from you.
-Recipe of the Month: Breakfast Burrito
-Ideas to make Easter less pagan
-OBITUARY OF THE MONTH
-MENTAL HEALTH SCREENING
-Advertisement (Nobody submitted a free or paid advertisement this month)
-Personals (Nobody submitted a personal this month)
-Babe of the Month (illegal edition)

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I'm trying to force feminize... myself.

All of these years where I found it hilarious to try and force feminize men, and in reality, the one I should've been force feminizing is... myself. While I only ever had one sissy slave, it was the best 3 months of my life. In the end, he ended up internet-friend-breaking up with me because I helped that faggot get an IRL girlfriend and I was dropped instantaniously. When my sissy friend "friend broke-up" with me (we were NOT dating), he tried to hurt my feelings by saying, "By the way, I shoved stuff up my ass BEFORE I met you >:(", like being a faggot is any less humiliating that way. While I didn't AT ALL view this man sexually, he was more just a punching bag that I made do humiliating things because it was funny, his abscence is sorely missed in my day-to-day life. There is no rehabiliting self-admitted cross dressers who have been wearing their mom's panties since childhood, so that is why I felt completely justified bullying my sissy slave. Soon after my sissy slave friend-broke-up with me, I tried to source sissies who were much more willing to be feminized, but it's just not the same. I like the reluctance and bullying. In any event, I retired sissy hunting a few years ago and reserved the idea as just a hilarious thing I had done in the past. I must clarify that it was not in any way sexually stimulating for me, I just thought it was gross and funny.

But what is so gross about having pretty pink nails? Or wearing a dress? With a buttplug secretly inside of you? These are all hallmarks of femininity, I have struggled with trying to maintain any sense of femininity ever since adolescence. While I definitely have some female traits and interests (such as [note to self, fill this out when you remember a feminine trait you have]), I wouldn't classify myself as feminine, neither in looks nor interests nor personality. I don't entirely want to change myself, but, looks-wise, I should start trying to look feminine. At the rate that I'm going at, I'm going to look like Gislanne Maxwell started taking tesosterone. Oh, except she can actually score with 7 year old little girls.

Force feminizing myself is a difficuilt journey. Mostly because it requires me to "try", and my laziness and lack of care for societal expectations is the sole reason I've landed myself in this very, very hairy situation. I don't have a trainer, so it's up to me and only me to hold myself accountable for my forced feminization journey.

I'm forcing myself to watch sissy hypno porn

In order to help myself become more feminine, I have begun forcing myself to watch sissy hypno porn. This porn is intended for men who want to be feminine; but as a female who is essentially a very, very weak man, this will help me become more feminine. So far, I have been mildly successful. There's certain things I won't do though, like wear high heels. In fact, now that I think about it, why are these sissy hypno videos telling men to wear high heels? These guys are already 5' 10", high heels are only going to make them taller and more masculine and intimidating. Seeing what estrogen does to these guys, they need a few inches added somewhere else -- and I'm not talking their feet. Seeing a guy try to walk in high heels is like watching a baby deer try to walk for the first time, but the deers aren't disappointing their parents with every step they take, unlike the human male.

My goals to feminize myself pertains strictly to looks rather than altering my personality or interests. Overall, I'd mostly just like to have longer hair, so I've resorted to wearing a wig while my actual hair grows out. I also am trying to wear eyeliner more regularly. The benefit to wearing makeup once in a while is that I can easily cover up the next black eye my husband gives me, so that's nice. With these changes in mind, I would like to present to you me, forced feminized:

Do I look feminine? Do I pass?

Before: Unfeminized	After: Feminized

What is interesting is that I may argue the left picture is more feminine than the right. I'm wearing nail polish, I have a hair tie around my arm, I own a smart phone, I look pregnant, and I'm wearing cheetah pajama pants. Anyways, the results are promising and it's just a matter of keeping this up. I have tried to force feminize myself multiple, multiple times these last few years with no success. I must be shamed by you either publicly or via email if I start to relapse. Also, my hairstyle is in this style because it's the only way I know how to style long hair. I wish I could grow out of the emo hairstyle, but it's all I know. It's been this way for a very long time. For example, here's a picture of me from 13 years ago.

Now I understand when I see 56 year old women with perms, or 70 year old guys wearing jean shorts cut off above the knee with tennis shoes and calf socks. You find a style you like decades ago and never move past it.

HEALTH ADVISORY FOR ALL SISSY SLUTS READING: Do NOT wear your buttplug to an MRI scan. Your guts will be more wrecked than Mr. Hands'.

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Anti-aging secrets and tips

Aging is something we all must deal with, and for women in particular, it's a very depressing topic. With each passing year after age 14, we are constantly reminded of our shriveling fertility with each new wrinkle that presents itself on our face. Here is an equation women can follow: 1 new wrinkle = 6 lost eggs. Even for women who do not want children, the idea of losing their youth is upsetting, because deep down we all know that looking 16 is the most attractive for male partners. Fear not, as I have a few genuinely amazing tips to retain your youthful appearance. These tips are ones that I myself practice, and seeing as I have been confused for a middle schooler and high schooler on multiple occasions, my tips must warrant positive results.

Tip #1: Food and drink intake

One of the most important methods to maintain youthful skin is to have a diet rid of processed foods and drinks. This means that you should try to eat as clean as possible, prioritizing vegetables, fruit, and water. Adding powedered flavor to your water like a child doesn't make your water, "water" anymore. When I say to drink water, I mean pure water, preferably filtered so that you're not drinking flouride which will calcify your pineal gland. It may sound like basic advice to say, "eat healthy", but food has a pretty drastic impact on our skin. I used to eat tons of processed foods and my skin had looked the worst it ever had in my life. I had frequent pimples, my skin didn't look as smooth or evenly colored, and generally I looked a few years older than I actually was. Soon I had enough of looking like a chubby 25 year old at age 19, so I changed my fast food diet to a vegetarian diet that involved eggs, vegetables, water or tea (no more soda), and fruit. I lost the weight fairly quickly and my skin cleared up as well. Certain things such as eating one meal a day will benefit health, and thus, benefit your skin. I tend to eat one very large meal a day and this helps the body function better, thus, impacting your skin. I would also recommend to not keep tempting processed foods around. If I make cookies, I will spend the next day and a half eating them with no willpower to control myself. Because of this, I generally don't keep tempting processed foods around and instead keep healthier foods. If I crave something sweet, I will eat an orange or banana instead of 1/2 a tub of icecream as I cry about this terribly delicious decision I'm making.

I notice a lot of women's skin will be affected by dairy (especially cheese). It would be a good idea to cut down how much dairy you consume, or, completely cut out certain types of dairy such as cheese, as dairy seems to affect how the skin ages. I'm not suggesting that you need to go vegan, but, I will say that I've noticed women who eat a whole food plant based diet (this is different than a vegan diet), tend to look strangely young even into their geriatric years (35+ years).

Overall, I try to maintain a healthy diet. There might be stretches of a few weeks where I don't care to eat healthy and I indulge in bad foods such as pizza, ice cream, cookies, etc. but, overall it's best to consistently maintain a healthy diet. It's also highly important to drink lots of water when possible. You'll notice that fruits that have no water in them will shrivel up and look like an old person's skin (think raisins, or dehydrated foods). This is representative as to what would happent to our skin if we did not consume enough water. Do not forgo water, try to drink enough to stay hydrated, as this greatly benefits your skin and overall bodily functions.

Tip #1.5: Avoid smoking, drugs, alcohol, and stress

Smoking and drugs not only do damage internally to our bodies, but these substances affect the external parts of our bodies as well. It's well known that smokers tend to look way older than they actually are. I feel as though people don't realize that drugs and alcohol tend to have the same affect on people. This is especially apparent if you look at young college women vs women who are not partiers. If you look up any picture of a girl celebrating her 21st birthday, you will notice how much older they look than regular 21 year old women who don't center their entertainment around getting pumped 'n dumped and drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

All of those women look older than 21, and the partying lifestyle is to blame. Consuming drugs and alcohol will age you. Avoid them, not only are they bad for your skin, but they tend to bring on more problems than they do positive things into your life. I'd also like to point out that alcohol dehydrates the body, and many alcoholics will look dried out like a raisin because their body is not being properly hydrated. There have been studies of twins where one drinks and the other is sober, and the one whom drinks looks older.

Avoiding stress is highly important if you want to retain your youth. Stress does great damage to the body, and is often the reason men die sooner than women. Stress is known to bring on bodily ailments such as ulcers, digestive issues, increased heartrate, etc., and likewise, stress advances the aging process. I have an incredibly low-stress life, in fact, the only time I get stressed is when I can't find my 6 hour long Kevin Sorbo: Sweatiest Moments tape I made. Aside from that, I don't experience anxiety, depression, or any form of negative feelings. Considering all of these facotrs (healthy eating, no subtance use, no stress), I have managed to retain some of my youth compared to my peers who do otherwise.

Tip #2: Facial Expressions

The types of facial expressions you do will eventually cause wrinkles and lines on your face, especially if these facial expressions are done repetitvely, multiple times a day. Imagine folding a piece of paper in half, then unfolding it. Fold it again in the same place, and then unfold it once again. If you keep doing this, the crease will get more and more apparent, and the paper around the crease will become weaker.

If you want to retain a youthful appearance, it's important to stop making facial expressions. This means that yes, you must stop smiling as much. Smiles will cause lines around the cheeks and crow's feet around the eyes. If you want to smile or find a way to express joy, simply notify the person you're talking to that you are experiencing joy, but cannot smile due to retaining your youth. Or, stop having fun all together. Reminding yourself to not smile during times of joy and happiness will not be difficult, because I know that you, person reading this, don't smile much to begin with. In any event, reminding yourself to not smile is simply a new habit that must be built, and eventually you will become successful in looking unhappy, BUT, youthful.

Take note of any other facial movements you may do unconsciously. When people concentrate, some tend to make a certain face unknowingly. I used to press my eyebrows together, which created a slight line/dent between my eyebrows. Many years ago I realized this is something I would do, and so I took great care and effort to stop this habit, which has no doubt saved my face from having a deep line between my eyebrows.

Other common facial movements that one must train themselves out of is:

Surprise.

Any form of repeated surprise will result in forehead wrinkles from your eyebrows raising up due to the surprise you're experiencing. In an effort to reduce the amount of surprise you experience in your life, try to:

Based on what we know so far, we know so far that happiness and surprises are terrible for your skin and face. Thus, logically it would follow that the worst thing for your face and skin would be an unexpected, joyful event. For example, imagine you won $70 on one of your scratchers (finally). The combination of both surprise and joy due to your unexpected winnings would wreak havoc on those budding crow's feet around your eyes.

Disgust.

That's the emotion I feel when I look at that ^ picture. Allowing yourself to physically express signs of disgust will create the most amount of lines on your face, including horizontal lines on the forehead, winkles on the upper nose, and lines around the cheek. Because of this, it's vital to reduce the amount of disgust you experience in your life. Here are my tips to help you avoid disgust:

Tip #2.5: Avoid other repetitive facial movements (e.g. sipping straw)

As I have established, repetitive facial movements will create wrinkles. Things such as drinking from straws will easily create lines and wrinkles around your lips, as you're pursing them a lot. This is noticeable on smoker's lips, as they constantly purse their lips around a cigarette. This will also apply to straws, or how tightly you purse your lips when you get a drink from an un-strawed beverage.

Tip #3: Reclusive Lifestyle

Sunlight supposedly rapidly ages skin, and there may be some truth to this, as you will notice that women who tan look like leather couches. You'll also notice that male laboreres who work outside have aged skin and don't speak English. I'm unsure if too much sunlight exposure means you're able to speak less and less English, but it's an observation I've had. I very rarely venture to the outdoors, and I hang black trash bags on my windows (not the only black thing I want to hang) like Adam Lanza (PBUH), so my vitamin D levels are as low as Verne Troyer, but, that means I have amazing untouched skin and am really good at Dance Dance Revolution. I believe that avoiding sunlight as much as possible will result in youthful skin. Do not apply sunscreen to your face and go outside. Applying unnatural creams to your face (such as sunscreen and makeup) will age skin. I want you to completely avoid sunlight all together. How else do you think these rapists manage to keep their 12 year old lolis chained in their basements to look so young for the next 5 years? Not only is the outdoors for gay retard normies, but sunlight is the worst type of weather (it's depressing and hot). If you LIKE going outside, then you deserve to look old.

Tip #4: Derma Rolling + Oil

Maintaining youthful skin is largely attributed to avoiding certain things, but, this is one method you can actively try that will help restore your skin from your gross, aged state, into a more youthful appearance. This method involves a "derma roller", which is a handheld device. This tool has a rotating wheel with mini spikes on the wheel. The spikes vary in length, such as 1.0mm, 0.5mm, and 0.25mm. You will roll this device across your skin in a certain pattern. When done correctly, this will cause microabrasions in your skin. Your body will send blood to help heal these mini wounds, which result in freshened, poofier, youthful skin. This method is actually even used to lessen the appearance of scars and acne. You can also use this method to stimulate hair growth, which is good for all of your bald losers out there.

The length of these mini needles determines how far they will penetrate your skin. The bigger the needle (such as 1.0mm), the deeper it penetrates your skin. However, this means you should not over-use a derma roller that penetrates your skin deeply too often. Your skin needs time to heal, and using a deep derma roller too often will harm your skin rather than help it. I worry that a more shallow needle size (such as 0.25mm) won't penetrate the skin enough for great results, so I use a 0.5mm derma roller once a month on my skin. This gives my skin enough time to heal, but is often enough for results.

The pattern in which you roll your skin matters. I roll the derma roller in smaller sections of my face, each section rolled over 8 times and then I move onto the next small section 8 times. I go all over my face in small sections horizontally first. Once I have done that to my face, I repeat rolling in small sections of my face 8 times, but this time vertically. Here is a chart I stole them demonstrates a similar technique. Soon I plan to do a "how to" video on this. The demonstration picture below is done on what appears to be a dead asian.

After derma rolling your face, it will look red from all of the micro abrasions. After this, it's crucial to apply oil to your face so your skin can absorb necessary nutrients to restore itself more youthfully. Do NOT use artificial products; they are scams and will harm your skin due to the artificial nature. Instead, I highly recommend massaging pure vitamin E oil into your skin. This is a good practice to do, even when you haven't derma rolled. Moisturized skin is one of the main things you can do to prevent aging, as dry skin easily ages. If you're derma rolling to repair your bald, I would recommend rubbing your bald with rice water (fermented, you can make it at home), vitamin E oil, rosemary oil, peppermint oil.

To wrap this up, instead of trying to retain your youth, you should just accept that you're an aging hag. You should've found someone who loved you when you were young jailbait, cemented yourself deep into his heart, to the point where he's happy to grow old with you, and therefore, you aging isn't a big deal.

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Confession: I sometimes feel funny when I see pictures of bears with women

I must clarify that this opinion/impulsive feeling is not at all related to the semi-recent political statement in where women declared that they would rather copulate with bears rather than with men. In fact, I have secretly held this feeling for about two years now after seeing a video of a Russian female take nice photos with a bear.

I'm not sure why, but something about seeing a dainty girl next to a big, hairy bear does make me feel funny in my no-no zone. It's not serious enough to want to do anything beyond looking at a few pictures and moving on with my day, so please don't mistake my confession as an admission of utilizing bears as masturbatory material. One thing that helps me stop objectifying bears is to imagine them as cute baby bears (cubs). I instantly feel guilty for objectifying the bear and lose my attraction to the bear for a very temporary amount of time. Out of all the animals a female could find attractive, I think bears are the most logical choice. Why do so many women go for dogs? They're stupid retards who run into cars for fun when not under the supervision of a human. Meanwhile, bears are strong and can defend themselves and their families (and thus, the human female). I see many parallels between bears and my preference of male humans: Burly, strong, masculine, hairy, ability to defend, good at tactical PVP combat, etc.

Like humans, bears come in three shades: white, brown, and black. But unlike humans, black bears are the least scary and therefore, I would only sleep with the black ones. Statistically, they have the lowest crime statistics against humans and are generally friendly. I've come into close-ish contact with black bears and they have never attacked me, but they have stolen from me (my trash. of course the black ones like to steal).

Bears do more than steal my trash -- they steal my heart. I think subconsciously part of the attraction is that he could snap at anytime and kill you, but he loves you so much that he doesn't. I guess this is why women like black guys -- the risk is always there. The potential for great amounts of abuse that is not utilized by the man makes the female feel special. Ultimately, that is why I like bears.

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Genuine question, why do you think it's ok to exploit people's loneliness for money? I didn't expect this from you.

The above question is referring to my new service I offer, which was mentioned in my last column. Read last month's column here to learn about my new service I am offering.

The word "exploit" has, in recent years, been completely watered down from its original meaning. Similar to the words "rape" and "pedophile". If I hear a woman has been "raped", I automatically assume she is either lying completely, or regrets having sex with the "offender", or is trying to garner 15 minutes of fame via rape accusations because she had sex with that Jew from That 70's Show. Personally, I think it's foolish to say you were raped when you weren't. If I was accused of raping a female when I didn't, I might as well make the accusation true and actually rape her. In any event, the word "rape" no longer means forcibly getting your LuLuLemon leggings torn off by a North American Pavement Ape (black person) at 7pm behind a Carl's Jr as you wonder if he'll cum before your order is done. These days, rape is a flowchart of "did he..." and every option leads to rape. Might I just add, by the way, that females have a massive advantage over males. Imagine getting unsolicited sex for free with no effort required, delivered straight to you. I've read stories of intruders breaking into a females home and raping her. What male alive would get free sex delivered straight to him with zero effort on his part? Even the most attractive male -- it's not something that happens. Females are very privileged in this sense.

The word "pedophile" has received similar treatment in recent years. The term has been misused and overused to the point where when I hear someone is called a "pedophile" I immediately disregard this label and wonder if the "pedophile" is in fact being victimized by over-zealous people eager to create chaos when not applicable. Usually, people refer to others as "pedophiles" for one of the following reasons: The victim (that's what we're calling pedophile) admitted to finding a developed post-pubescent female attractive who is under the age of 18, or in many cases, is over the age of 18. This is a misuse of the word "pedophile", as pedophilia refers to the attraction of per-pubescent children who have not yet undergone sexual development and lack hips, breasts, widened shoulders, body hair, etc. The term "pedophile" should only be reserved for those who find prepubescent children (AKA not sexually developed children) attractive. This is not a matter of subjective opinion -- this is strictly fact and part of the reason why I do not believe people when they accuse a non-convicted human of being a "pedophile". In most cases, it is not true; and in fact, this type of lackluster care of using such an extreme word actually harms the effectiveness of it when pertaining towards actual pedophiles.

This brings me to yet another word that has been misused and watered down: exploit. Exploitation refers to a vast power dynamic, where one person with great power takes advantage of the other party, who has little to no power in the situation. It is a very nonconsensual relationship and dynamic. For example, a mother may force her child to go into child acting. The child has no ability to disobey this command even if the child wishes to disobey, and, the mother profits off of this nonconsensual arrangement. This is a great example of exploitation. However, we have very sensitive people in our society who like to misuse words -- either intentionally or by accident due to them listening to other sissies -- and apply the word "exploitation" to a situation where it is not at all applicable. Do not forget that exploitation relies on someone with great power, imposing a forceful action on someone with no say.

With the above in mind, there is nothing exploitative about a man (or hopefully woman(real)) choosing to engage with my service for a week. I am not forcing anyone to partake in this service, and there isn't a vast power dynamic as there would be with a master and slave, mother and child, etc. In this scenario, it's two people, both with the ability to consent or not consent to engaging with the service. This is not close to exploitation.

If your distaste comes from me charging for my service: Why would I chat online with people for free? I'm not a charity worker, pal. Plus, I don't want to talk to filthy fucking poors all day. Requiring a small fee of 0.5XMR (about $100) filters out all the poors. I don't want to talk to someone about the coupons they clipped to use at Walmart, or what food they bought with their food stamps. I have some standards for G*d's sake.

I would also like to point out that utilizing my service is not reserved solely for lonely people as you implied. I am not by any means lonely, I really dislike socializing and choose not to have friends. I am not lonely, BUT, if another cute female were to be offering a similar service*, I would 100% use it. In fact, this idea came to be because I have a Youtube waifu who is a 40 year old actual autistic woman. I know I said I don't have low standards, I guess I should rethink that statement. Anyways. Her laptop broke, and to raise up money for a new one, she allowed people to pay somewhere between $50-$100 to chat with her. I really wanted to do it, but I was afraid. Anyways, paying for convenience does not equate to loneliness. I don't like the long term obligation that comes with free friendship. I much prefer the temporary and instantaneous friendship of an arrangement such as this one. Just because I go to Burger King for a burger doesn't mean I'm incapable of cooking -- while it might for some people, for others, it may be a matter of convenience and indulging in something that makes you feel good. Keep in mind that Burger King is not exploiting hungry people, as the hungries have made the choice to go to Burger King.

Before I can fully answer your question, "Why do you think it's ok to exploit people's loneliness for money? I didn't expect this from you." We have covered that:
1. You're a sissy to use the word "exploit" in a manner where the situation is completely consensual with no overt power dynamic for both parties, thus, no exploitation is taking place.
2. Paying for human interaction does not equate to loneliness for everyone; for me, it is a matter of preferring temporary interactions and convenience.
3. You pass off the responsibility of the customer as someone who has no possible say in this transaction (e.g. you're exploiting the lonely), which is not accurate. People are responsible for their own actions.

To answer the question with those in mind:
4. It's a free market where people should be able to buy and sell what they want without nosy third parties ruining the freedom of choice for others. This "I don't like this, shut it down" attitude tends to lead for calls of government regulation, rather than allowing the people to decide for themselves as to what they want to buy and sell. I know it's ok to allow others to buy my service because I believe people should have the freedom to choose how to spend their money and they should take personal responsibility for how they choose to spend their money. I also have found it fun to offer technology advice via my service.

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Recipe of the Month

Breakfast Burrito

This is a recipe I made myself. This will warrant a very sizable burrito, and if you're a real man like me, then you'll finish it in one sitting like a good little girl. If this burrito is "too big" or "too much" for you, then you should be executed for being a dumb little sissy with a small stomach. I hate people who can't eat a decent sized meal in one sitting. You need to start stretching yourself (stomach) and not the other side of your stomach (anus). Isn't it interesting that our mouth is basically the start of our anus? It's all one long tube. It makes looking at people's mouths so much more sexual when you realize it's just one long tube to the ani (plural of anus).

Breakfast Burrito:
-Large tortilla
-Avocado oil for frying
-2 hashed browns
-Frozen bell peppers
-Diced onion
-3 eggs (scrambied)
-Cheddar cheese
-Salsa
-Onion powder, garlic powder, and salt
-Hungry tummy to fill up

Step #1: Put the two hashbrowns inside a toaster oven at 300 degrees for 15 minutes. Continue to make the rest of the burrito as these cook for 15 minutes. Once they have cooked for 15 minutes, air fry them in the toaster oven for 5 minutes to crisp them.

Step #2: Heat avocado oil on a pan on medium heat. As this warms up, take a big fistfull of frozen bell peppers and run them under hot water in a strainer to that them. This should only take 15 seconds. Squeeze the bell peppers to release the extra water. As you wait for the pan to heat the oil, dice an appropriate amount of onion. Once the pan has heated the oil, plop the bell peppers into the pan and cook. Once the bell peppers are almost browning, put in the diced onion and continue to cook for a few minutes. Scrape the bell pappers and onion onto a plate like this.

Step #3: Splat 3 eggs into a bowl and scramble them real nice like. Splart a dabble of butter onto your pan and make that butter go all around the pan so the eggs won't stick to the pan. Then pour your egg mix into the pan and let the egg sit for a few minutes. Around this time your hashies should be ready to put on air fry for 5 minutes.

Step #4: The egg circle will need to cook for a few minutes until the top of the egg circle is mostly not watery. While you wait for that to happen, shred your cheddar cheeze onto the torilla just like this.

Step #5: The egg circle is ready to be flipped. Carefully loosen the egg by shimmying your spatula under the egg circle. Do this carefully so you don't rip the egg apart. Once your egg circle is loosened, flip the egg circle over to cook the other side. After you've cooked it for a minute, plarp the egg circle onto the tortilla like this. Now remove the pan from the heat or turn the heat to very low.

Step #6: Distribute the bell peppers around the egg circle, then plap salsa over the bell peppers in a circle, then poweder the top with garlic and o-yun (onion) powder.

Step #7: Take out your hashies and salt them up real proper like. Then cut the hashies into squares. Distribute them hashies around the salsa circle. As you do this, apply your pan to medium-low heat with oil.

Step #8: Fold the burrito sides in, you can squish them down to try and get them to stay in place. Then starting at the bottom of the burrito, roll up the lower edge. Use both hands to hold the sides in place as you continue to roll up the bottom of the burrito upwards. When you continue rolling up the bottom part, it will form the finished burrito.

Step #9: Now you need to crisp up your burrito. Put the side with the seam of the burrito down on the pan and fry. After about 20 seconds, put your spatula under the burrito to see if it's properly crispt. If not, then let it keep cooking.

Step #9a: Use a spatula and knife to turn the burrito on its side and hold it in place as it fries. When you become a burrito master like me, you will soon be able to do this using only a spatula. Let it cook until it's crispay.

Step #9b: Turn the burrito over to the uncooked fat side and let it crisp.

Step #9c: Turn the burrito over to the last uncooked side and let it crisp.

Eating instructions: You can wrap the burrito in aluminum foil if you want to feel like you bought this at a food truck. It's all of the fun of a food truck without the food poisoning. You should eat it all right away in one sitting. Here is a picture of the burrito mid-eat. I had accidentally dropped it on my hairy carpet before I took this picture, so I removed all the dog and human hairs from the burrito and then took this picture. It shows you how filled and full this burrito is. It can keep you full for most of the day.

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Ideas to make Easter less pagan

Some of you may be unaware that Christianity tends to piggy-back its holidays off of other culture's established holidays. Christians tend to think their holidays are original to Christianity without putting a second thought as to why these strange traditions take place. For example, a strange old man that claims to watch your children year round breaks into your house and leaves the kids free presents for being good. Why is it OK for Santa to do that, but when I do it, I'm a "grooming pedophile" and "creepy"? Anyways, the Santa tradition is totally unrelated to the birth of Jesus. The decorating of pine trees is totally unrelated to Jesus, as he was born in Bethlehem, where no pine trees are in sight. Let's not forget that Jesus was supposedly born in the summer -- so why do Christians randomly celebrate his birth in the winter?

It's because in an effort to convert more people to Christianity, the church started adapting other culture's holidays to Christianity. This is back when religions were more akin to political parties; and if you did not follow a certain political party, you were to be persecuted by death. Adapting a culture's pre-existing holiday to Christianity allowed people to more easily convert to Christianity. The overt winter traditions that Christians associate with Christmas (e.g. cutting down and decorating trees, snow, winter, etc.) actually originate from the Winter Solstice celebrations and Saturnalia -- celebrating the birth of the son (interesting correlation). Both of which were celebrated in the winter. Traditions such as decorating trees were found from these celebrations, and this is why something so random and unrelated to the birth of Jesus is now heavily associated with the birth of Jesus.

Easter follows the same holiday-stealing agenda. Easter is supposed to honor the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Basically, that nigga died for 3 days and then came back to life. So why is it that we celebrate this holiday with bunnies and eggs? How are bunnies and eggs in any way related to the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ? The answer is that it doesn't relate, and yet again, Christianity has stolen the holiday from pagan traditions and adapted them to Christianity in order to more easily convert more followers. The original pagan holiday celebrates fertility. Eggs are an obvious representation of fertility, and rabbits are well known for producing very often; these two symbols are clearly related to the celebration of fertility. To add onto this, the word "Easter" is surely related to the pagan goddess "Ishtar", who is the goddess of fertility.

Christianity makes no effort to have their own creative traditions for holidays. For the readers who have children, I implore you to please establish new Christian Easter traditions that are unrelated to paganism. Here are my ideas:

Children foraging for eggs in the outdoors is perhaps one of the funnest Easter traditions, but let us not forget that eggs are related to the pagan fertility celebration and NOT Jesus' resurrection. This doesn't mean Christians can no longer have fun -- we can adapt this tradition to be more suitable for Jesus' story. Instead of hiding eggs you hide fake lost body parts around the outdoors for children to find. Traditionally, the eggs open up to have candy inside of them. For something such as a lost arm or leg, you can split them in half and a twizzler will be inside the arm/leg to represent bodily tissue and blood.

If you're a hardcore Christian, you could lock your kids up in the basement for 3 days to better simulate the death of Jesus Christ. Placing dirt on each child is recommended to represent the burial. Since your children will be locked away from you and your wife, you'll be able to have some quality alone time and be able celebrate the pagan fertility holiday, if you catch my drift. While in bed with your wife, tell her, "He has risen" as you point your head towards your rock hard cock.

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Speaking of the dead rising from the grave, it's time for the obituary of the month. Losing a grandmother is never something to be taken lightly. This is why it's a good idea to microchip your grandmothers -- so you can never lose them. But, what happens if you lose your grandmother... forever? She just may end up being on dukenukemis.cool's monthly obituary. Congratulations (or, sorry) to Nancy Hughes for making it onto dukenukemis.cool's second obituary issue.

Nancy Hughes was born on April 14, 1947. She is (or, was) older than Cheetos, which were created in 1948. But unlike Cheetos, Nancy is dead and not orange. Probably some shade of greenish yellow right now. Anyways -- Nancy went extinct on March 2, 2025. She was 78 years old, but saying "old" feels disrespectful.

78 years is a long time to make a lot of terrible mistakes. Luckily for Nancy, she passed my background felony check, so she must've been a decent person -- OR -- a smooth criminal and never got caught. If I could lock Nancy up (you know, in something other than a casket), it would be for the fact that she liked NASCAR. Ask any Juggalo that's not in a post-meth slumber what their favorite show is, and if that Juggalo can afford paying for TV, they will either answer Family Guy or NASCAR. I expected better from you Nancy.

I greatly admire Nancy for her ability to be committed to her husband, as they spent 56 years together. Her husband's seed was successful, as they had a daughter (nice), her daughter had a son (boo), and that son had a daughter (nice).

HEAVEN OR HELL? MY VERDICT: Overall, Nancy seemed like a genuinely nice and loving person. I'm saddened at her passing, but when you gotta go, you gotta go. This one is easy, she is definitely in heaven. Maybe it's a crime to like NASCAR, but it's not a sin.

Nancy's legacy will continue to be remembered by her family and anyone reading this monthly column. If you would like to send your wishes to the family, you may RESPECTFULLY sign the guest book here: https://www.cutshallfuneralhome.com/obituaries/nancy-aldridge-hughes

I am including obituaries in my future columns. If you or anyone you know has recently died, please email me with the details. I will include a small memorial for them in my next column. Please email me the dead fuck's name, a picture of them, a little information about them (what they acheived in life, their line of work, if they were ever married/divorced, had kids, etc.), and include the cause of death. I think it's really irritating that obituaries rarely include the cause of death out of "respect". Now I feel like a disrespectful retard because I'm trying to search online as to how this person died. Anyways, email me ashleyjones@icum.to if you have someone you want to be memorialized in the next monthly column.

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Right now it's time for a surprise mental health screening. Hopefully you didn't just make a surprised face -- we want to keep you youthful looking. There's no doubt that if you've read this far, you have some sort of mental illness. It's just a matter of figuring out what type of mental illness you have. I'm using an incredibly reliable method to determine your mental illness(es). The: Rorshart test

Each image seemingly looks random, but how you interpret each image will suggest what mental health disorders you have.

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The emo formerly known as Prince seeks limb lengthening surgery or high heels.

Hi everyone. I'm a solo artist that likes to wear extravagant outfits on stage. My only problem (aside from running out of eyeliner occasionally) is that I look soooo short on stage :( Any limb lengthening surgeons in the Minnesota area? I'll also settle for a pair of used high heels in men's size 5. Offering $15 for those used high heels. I'll throw in an extra 5 bucks if you sister or mom wears them before you smell, i mean sell, them to me. My email is ashleyjones@icum.to
....thx

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BABE OF THE MONTH

Random creepshot of a highschooler

Some of you readers know that I am an avid fan (and participant) of public creepshotting unsuspecting women. A picture can say a thousand words -- or in this case -- a picture can make a thousand men orgasm. Creepshotters are doing the male population a service by forever memorializing the sweet pieces of meat that walk our streets daily. The artist of this photograph is anonymous, but if I knew him, I would shake his right hand (after he washed it, of course).

Based on all of my previous Babes of the Months, I tend to pick out a woman who I THINK is 18+, write up why she's such a babe, only to last minute find out she was 13-16 years old. I'm tired of this happening, so I'm just going to own up and assume that this girl either a 12-17 year old. There is NOTHING illegal about those tits. Those are definitely Double D's that I'd double squeeze. If that makes me a pedophile, then I'd happily take a seat for Chris Hansen.

This picture is clearly from 2009-2010 based on the Hollister top, the sunglasses, and cellphone. It looks like she's enjoying food from somewhere called "Rubios". I've never heard of Rubios, but I'm Rubing something as I look at this picture.

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This is the end of the monthly column

The subjects and questions were submitted to me via email (ashleyjones@icum.to) and my discussion board ( https://tubgurl.com/ashleyj/thread/29878.html ). Please submit your questions, tip requests, suggestions, etc. via email with the subject line, "MONTHLY COLUMN", or in the thread linked about the monthly column. I will address them in future monthly column issues. If you are a teacher who wants to use my column as educational reading material for students, you are welcome to do so.

About the author: Ashley Jones