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 Technology (Tutorials, Opinions, & More)
 Technology Repair Log
April 30, 2025 Total word count: 9,304 words. This is da sis entry in my monthly columns (which is not strcitly released on a monthly basis). The subjects and questions were submitted to me via email (ashleyjones@icum.to) and my discussion board ( https://tubgurl.com/ashleyj/thread/29878.html ). Please submit your questions, tip requests, suggestions, etc. via email with the subject line, "MONTHLY COLUMN", or in the thread linked about the monthly column. In this column, I will discuss the following topics:
-Why I've Decided to Say 'Allegedly' Instead of 'Yes' At All Times -------------------------------------------- Why I've Decided to Say 'Allegedly' Instead of 'Yes' At All Times WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN THIS SITUATION? Your mother and father are sitting across from you in the living room. Your mother looks like she's been crying recently. She fidgets with a damp hanky and looks at you with tired, watery eyes. Your dad, a real stoic most of the time, looks more concerned than upset. Uh-oh. Someone must have died. But then, your mom quietly says, "Son... your dad and I have a question. It's very important that you answer us honestly. No, honey. We're not mad. We just need to know. Did you steal your little sister's panties and wear them and masturbate yourself into them three times before putting them back in her underwear drawer?" Of course, you did do exactly that. You don't necessarily want to lie to your dear old mum and pawpaw, but you can't possibly tell them the truth. What to do? Suddenly, you remember Ashley's advice. You sit back and smirk confidently, clasping your hands casually over your crossed knee. "Allegedly." ==== Declining to utilize the word "yes" is actually a very smart move for the cautious man. By using the word "allegedly" instead, you live in constant state of hedging your bets. You are not directly confirming the inquiries of those around you. You're also never admitting to anything. You will never incrimitate yourself, even by accident, simply by building this linguist habit. Plus, the use of "allegedly" adds to the aura of your mystique. You will also sound smarter than just saying "yes". You will never be affirmative, but instead, always vague and non-comittal. This means that if someone asks you if you will show up to a party, by responding, "allgedly", you did not TRULY commit to going to the party, and thus, you technically didn't lie and they're in the wrong for being upset if you don't actually show up to the party. You never have to honor your commitments. I'd encourage you to impliment other linguistic tactics, such as saying "supposedly" and "hypothetically speaking" before introducing ideas or referecing past activities. -------------------------------------------- Refer to workers as their hourly minimun wage I have come up with a fantastic system to be implimented in the entry-level workforce. We should refer to employees as the amount they are paid hourly, rather than referring to them as their name. For example, if a man that works at Home Depot is named "Jeff", we will not call him Jeff. Instead, we will call him "$10.50", because this is how much he is paid hourly. This is a much better system than referring to people as their names, because it is more honest and it lets the customers know which employees are worth interacting with, and which employees are a waste of time. Naturally, the women should be referred to as nothing more than the state's legal minimum wage. So all women will be referred to as the same legal minimum wage. However, the men will be referred to as varying wages, as men have more knowledge and are more skilled. Make no mistake -- there are still plenty of men who will be referred to as undesirable numbers, such as "$12" and "$11.90". Do not interact with these men, as they don't have the skill to answer your questions or to check you out in a timely manner. Instead, we should only interact with those named "$15" and up. This system also makes the workforce much more competitive, and thus, your slaves -- I mean, "workers", will try harder and perform better so that they can be referred to as a more desirable number. For some reason as I write this, it feels slightly like a Soylent Green-type thing. Overall, if you own a business, I would implore you to impliment my idea and see how well it benefits your customers. Personally, as a customer, this is something I would find value in, as it's much more honest and dehumanizing, as the workforce is already dehumanizng, let's not kid ourselves and let's start implimenting realistic and helpful changes. -------------------------------------------- Watching employees work videos Speaking of employees, I have never worked an entry-level in real life job before. I am very proud of this fact. However, things such as food service jobs have always intriuged me, and is one of the topics I get hyper-obsessed about. There are multiple fast food places I would love to work at, as I greatly enjoy these places and this results in me researching facts about the fast food chain as well as trying to garner insider info about the fast food chain. That's why one of my favortie types of videos to watch (aside from technology repair videos) are employee training videos for the fast food places I have interest in. If you are like me, then good news, there are a lot of Chuck E. Cheese employee training videos, ranging from vintage to modern day training videos. I always try to encourage the jobless men that call me to work at Chuck E. Cheese, but so far, nobody has put in an application despite my countless requests. While I would enjoy working at Chuck E. Cheese, Papa Murphys, or Little Caesars, I would only find it fun for the first few days. After that, I would probably want to kill myself (no homo). I could never work a real life job without wanting to end it all, and so I suspect anyone who can actually stomach working somewhere in real life for the majority of their life must be void of emotions. Irregardless, how I manage to get my fill of working IRL is to watch employee training videos for the fast food places I obsess over. Here are some links to my favorites: https://inv.nadeko.net/watch?v=G71PFZSTN48 (If you're reading this, nadeko owner, I noticed you followed my Peertube instance and now I'm genuinely afraid to use your invidious instance because you probably see me watching 6 hours of Teletubbies. But at least I always watch on the lowest possible resolution to be considerate.) I recently found a channel that posts amazing videos that perfectly satisfy my need for pretending to work at my beloved fast food places. Mmm, imagine how amazing I am that I'm not a failure and therefore don't have to work at an IRL place, and so I pretend by watching videos. I'm probably so much better than you. Anyways, I love this channel because there's no annoying faggot talking and it's just one after another of this man making ice cream cones. I'm a gooner but for fast food employee videos. Instead of watching cum shot compilations, I watch Dairy Queen employees making ice cream cones complilations. Here is a link to that channel. https://inv.nadeko.net/channel/UCdfFCCMfVheixZoy6TP_QVA -------------------------------------------- Tips to keep you awake longer There are many reasons one may want to stay awake longer. Maybe you're afraid to sleep because then you couldn't defend yourself in unexpected tactical situations. In my scenario, I want to stay up longer because I'm marathoning a show where autistic(real) people date other retards. This show is called Love on the Spectrum, and judging by the amount of things I relate to on this show, I could be on it. It's unfortunate how many retard traits and interests I possess. There's two types of retards: The smart ones who can rattle off every war that happened in the past 6 centuries, and then there are the retards who shit their pants while humping a bean bag. I'm not sure which type of retard I am, but I do own a bean bag. And shit. Important warning before you proceed to use my tips: If you stay awake long enough, you can start seeing demons. Maybe that explains why I saw Rosie O'Donnell when I stayed up for 2 days. Tip #1: Get abusive neighbors Tip #2: Develop paranoia Tip #3: Have stressful life events, like forgetting to pay your taxes, pending divorce, intentionally get fired from work so you no longer have income and are therefor facing homelessness Tip #4: Just be homeless. The cold bitter nights will keep you awake, and the fear of getting raped by a fellow unhomed person(s) will surely keep you up at night. The sun is down and they're going to go where the sun don't shine. -------------------------------------------- 4chan Hacked 4chan was hacked by a poster on Soyjack.party, an imageboard whose presence has graced my imageboard in form of spamming "pizza deliveries" onto my board as I tried rapidly to delete it as I was playing House Flipper. Forget cleaning houses in House Flipper, I had to clean my server after that disaster. In any event, the hacker had access to 4chan's server and obtained plenty of information, such as the email addresses of the mods and jannies as well as other information such as the source code for 4chan and revealing the fact that 4chan was running on a very, very outdated version of FreeBSD that hadn't been updated since ~2012, and of course, the IP addresses of users of the website. The hacker chose to not reveal the IP addresses of the users. Lucky you. Perhaps my favorite part of this hack is the sekret janny board called /j/, where jannies would talk with one another. This board is just as terrible as you'd imagine -- a bunch of serious no-fun-allowed power tripping nerds circle jerking over how to strip even more fun away from 4chan. In true janny nature, they view themselves as victims who get bullied by their peers. Honestly, if I ever held the title of a 4chan janny, please get me a noose ready, because slipping that circle around my neck might be the only positive thing to happen in my life in that scenario. Anyways, my favorite post from the /j/ board is when the jannies tried to workshop giving themselves a "better" name. In reality, how would they impliment something like this? I assume they would try to anonymously shill the new lingo, but even the BBC-addicted retards on 4chan despise jannies. I can't think of any subset of people on 4chan who would use a favorable term to describe jannies (other than perhaps trannies).  Anytime I mention 4chan, it's always in a negative light. 4chan died long before this recent hack, and I find it's overrun with trannies, zoomers, and newfags who never assimilated to the existing culture, which resulted in phoneposters never being rightfully shamed, people typing "/b" seriously like it's actually Reddit, the use of VPNs and tor being prohibited, the use of Cloudflare, among many other issues that resulted in me not using 4chan in many years. 4chan being down has not impacted me, as I didn't use 4chan other than rarely going on /gif/ for the funny .webm threads, but it's hard to convince myself to go on /gif/ because I don't want my eyes to be exposed to the 50 tranny cock threads and 35 BBC threads. I don't have all night to goon. I would like to add that 4chan is far from anonymous. 4chan presents itself as anonymous, but in reality, it's been well proven that they provide IP addresses to the government, force the use of residential IP addresses (no tor, VPN, unless you pay for a pass which will still tie every post to an account), the use of the world's biggest man-in-the-middle attack known as "Cloudflare", and the recent push of requiring users to submit an email address before posting. It goes without saying that this opposes true anonymity, but I would also like to point out that 4chan posters have put their trust in this website that has had massive vulternabilities, allowing their userbase to be completely exposed to hackers, due to their outdated OS and ability to allow malicious files to be uploaded to the website, thus, exploiting 4chan's infastructure. This is why it's important to choose which websites you interact with, as you're placing your trust in the site owner's (in)competence. Raw-dogging the internet is very foolish. ------------------------------------------
Mother's Day is on May 11, 2025. I considered lying and saying that Mother's Day was on May 15th, 2025, so that you could dissappoint your mom (again). However, I decided not to do this because if you're reading this, your mother as undoubtely suffered enough. Personally, I don't refer to Mother's Day as "Mother's Day". I call it MILFs Day, and since I don't have a relatonship with my own mother, I celebrate Mother's Day by watching MILF videos on xvideos.com. Unfortunately, cum doesn't smell nearly as good as flowers. Here are gift ideas you could give to your mother: Used starbucks giftcard: Vibrator: Subscription to Mexican Hulu: Breast pump: P.S. Have you ever considered the fact that your dad had an orgasm INSIDE of your mom? And that's how you're here. I wonder how he did it (or how she did it to him). Personally, I hope that I was conceived with the amazon position, and that explains why I'm so powerful and great. --------------------------------------------
Personals
Personal Entry #1: Editors note:This guy said "another girlfriend". Does he already have one? Damn, I should have thought about using my monthly column to recruit harem members.
====================== How did you get your pugs? Do you like pugs/find them cute or have some moral objection to their inbreeding which led to their myriad of health issues? Actually, what are your stances on things like selective breeding and purebred animals? I stole them from other people's backyards. I have owned a total of 4 pugs during my life, I had a set of 2 when I was growing up, and I have another set of 2 during adulthood. I find them very cute. Here is an interesting fact that probably isn't true but I'm going to proceed as if this 2015 Buzzfeed article wasn't lying to me: The wrinkles on a pugs forehead forms a Chinese symbol (word) and this had relevance to the chimese kings back when Asians were actually masculine (centuries ago before the estrogen altered their genetics). Regarding the "moral objection" for health issues with pugs: I find that people who have never owned pugs confidently state how many health issues pugs have. I have owned 4 different pugs, and none have ever had the supposed health problems non-pug owners tell me pugs posess. Non-pug owners say pugs have breathing problems, but my pugs have never had trouble breathing. I've never had to take my pugs to the vet for any health issues related to their breed or supposed defects. My youngest pug, Bandit #3, is insanely active and athletic. He can run literally a mile with no issue. I decided to look online and see if other pug owners have these supposed health issues pertaining strictly to pugs, and much to my surprise, other pug owners will say something very similar to what I'm saying. They have healthy pugs with no health issues, or if health issues arise, they aren't issues pertaining to the breed. Things such as incontinence may come with old age, as is typical with many old dogs of any breed. On the very rare occasion, my pugs may experience an "inverted sneeze", which is related to short snouts. However, non-pug owners don't realize that inverted sneezes happen to any dog breed with short snouts, such as French Bulldogs and Boston Terriers. It is not a pug-only "issue" and is harmless and passes in a minute. Overall, the supposed unethical health issues does not really exist among pugs like non-pug owners tend to think. Therefore, I have no moral objection to owning pugs, because my pugs have no health issues and are actually exceedingly healthy, likely due to the healthy diet I feed my pugs (canned spaghettios). If you have moral objections about selective breeding resulting in a retarded living being, then your parents should have gotten an abortion. ¯\(-3-)/¯ ==================== There is a rise in online gambling recently. Along with this comes people who are seemingly "addicted" to gambling. With your thoughts on porn addiction, do you think gambling addiction also doesn't exist? What are your thoughts on the ethics of gambling in general? I love gambling, I just can't afford it. I'm just 1 bad round of bingo away from being unable to pay my rent. Therefore, I stick to playing strictly offline gambling games on sandboxed non-internet connected virtual machines to ensure I won't lose my life savings. This reminds me of the one time I purchased a CD gambling game for the PC from a thrift store for $4. I got out to the car and removed the disc from the sleeve to look at the game. Imagine my LUCK when the disc was a porno called "100% natural wonders #5 (2008)" directed by Harry Palms." Imagine my DISSAPOINTMENT when I turned the disc around, only to find out the disc was very scratched and therefore, unusable. By the way, this was the first time I had ever paid for porn in my life. Once I played an MMO gambling game and lost it all, I even sold my shoes in the game and was shoeless walking around the casino begging people for money like a filthy fucking poor. In fact, I won an achievement in this game for losing all my money. Specifically, I won a potato sack outfit for being completely poor. And yes -- I wore it. To answer the question: One is not addicted to gambling. It is simply low willpower. There is a difference between an addiction and having low willpower. In reality, addiction results in tangible withdraw symptoms. If a heroin addict goes 3 days without a hit (or whatever they call it), they're going to be vomitting, shaking, having headaches, etc. Let me put gambling addiction to you this way: nobody has ever sucked a dick for a bingo card. You also have no withdraw symptoms from not gambling otther than having MORE money. Therefore, in reality, gambling is not an addiction and is simply low willpower. ==================== Is Catfishing something that is legitimately harmful? What if no money was involved? When I was younger, I used to scam random old women on Facebook out of their money by pretending to be Micheal Jackson. I never felt guilt over it because it was such an obvious lie. Sometimes I like to pretend I'm Micheal Jackson to mentally disabled women still just to mess with them. (Do not add the last two paragraphs to the column.) I would gladly consent to someone catfishing me as Michael Jackson. Once someone called me and pretended to be Michael Jackson, and I actually felt slightly in love, special, and honored to talk to "Michael Jackson". Ah, the perks of looking like a little boy -- you get Michael Jackson impersonators calling you. Anyways, you could easily convince me to cheat on my husband if you pretend to be Michael Jackson and never break character. We can never meet IRL, but we can hee-heemail each other and you can tell me all about how you're innocent, but I'll tell you I'm naughty ;) To be blunt, all relationships are a form of catfishing. Women don't actually feel love and they wear makeup, and that is a facade, thus, catfishing. There are many different "layers" of catfishing, ultimately it is pretending to be someone that you're not. I am a big fan of the most extreme end of catfishing, where you pretend to be someone completely different (such as Michael Jackson). Perhaps it's because I frequently fall in love with very unobtainable characters (e.g. Michael Jackson, and he is only unnatainbale because he is dead), and therefore, having someone to carry the torch of his likeness in a romantic setting is welcomed by me. The difference between me and others is that I am not retarded enough to genuinely believe that I'm talking to Michael Jackson, and I'm way too Jewish to send anyone else money. Whereas, the others who get catfished genuinely believe that Michael Jackson would find a 54 year old woman who looks like a bloated corpse that washed up from the sea to be attractive. You'll notice that old women who get catfished and spend thousands of dollars on the impersonator are always widowed. They're using their husband's pension to fund their catfish addiction, because lord knows that no woman is smart enough to sock away 350k by retirement age. That's why it's more common to see old women working as cashiers, whereas it's rare to see old men are cashiers. To answer the question: Is catfishing harmful? "Scammers shouldn't be looked down upon nor punished Scams tend to provide valuable lessons. If you get scammed once, you have now learned and are much less likely to fall for that scam again. You can look at it as though you paid to learn a lesson in a course. The price you paid for getting scammed was the price of tuition for that lesson. Now you know what warning signs to look for, and you have hopefully learned to pace yourself before making harmful decisions. It's important to realize that our society is a dog-eat-dog world. Everyone is fending for themselves, and most people see you and I as an opportunity to make money. There are many various types of scams that are much more subtle than an Indian calling you for your debit card number. Scammers come in all shapes and forms - whether they are in suits or wearing a headset in a call center. Scams are simply another way one makes money, and inauthenticity and lies come with almost any product or promise being sold for monetary gain. Scams prey on people's emotions and carnal desires. For example, Facebook has trackers on the mass majority of websites so they can build a profile on your interests, desires, likes, etc. Then, they use this information to serve relentless advertisements targetted specifically at your behavior, solely for profit. Perhaps Facebook knows you're an emotional eater. They may serve up plenty of McDonalds and Taco Bell advertisements to you. They do not care about being helpful, they simply see a way to exploit you and your emotions for profit. This is no different than a scammer in a call center. Perhaps the only difference being that you may actually get a product, but, the intention and malice is persistant among both scammers. The goal is to deceive you that you need to spend money somewhere, when in reality, that is not true. To compare the two together more eloquently, a call center scammer relies on fear in order for you to enact on the scam. For example, a scammer may say that your debit card is suspended for suspicious purchases and thus, they need you to read out your debit card number to them to "confirm your account" before proceeding to the "solution". A white collar scammer (such as Facebook) will rely on the "fear of missing out" in order for you to enact on the scam. This fear is very subtle, and we tend to think of this type of fear as a "want". In reality, it stems in fear, and in a fear that we will not have the item. Ultimately, it ties back to our primal desires to fulfill safety and security (e.g. food, warmth/clothing, etc.). This type of scammer does not care about your wellbeing, and in fact, actively collects information about you in order to perfectly pick out the best way to make money off of you. No matter the type of scammer one encounters, we should all be held solely responsible for our actions. It's foolish to blame others for our actions. While some may say scamming is unethical, we shouldn't be upset with scammers because they are not forcing the other party to get scammed. A more suitable form of "scamming" to be upset with would be theft. It is not scamming, as it is a forceful compliance for you to partipate in monetary loss. Theft is rape, scamming is consensual." With the above in mind, I apply the same logic to catfishing. The catfisher is not doing anything wrong by playing pretend, and if others want to roleplay with the pretender, so be it. If the ""victim"" genuinely believes they are talking to a dead celebrity on Facebook, there is no harm being done. The ""victim"" isn't being tortured, physically harmed, or being forced to do something against their will. I would only consider the act of catfishing wrong if there was forceful physical harm or intimidation being done to the ""victim"". Instead, the catfisher is making the other person feel special and sensations of joy. If money is involved, there is also nothing wrong with that. It's not wrong to spend money on something you like, even if that means you're roleplaying that you're sending $20,000 to a Facebook "Brad Pitt's" cancer treatments. It's like a Facebook Tomagoatchi. You gotta pay if you want to keep Facebook Brat Pitt alive. There is no force taking place in this scenario. I am of the belief that one spending one's money in they way they choose is never wrong. I firmly believe in personal accountability, and so if one chooses to spend money "stupidly", that is not wrong. Let the circular economy and free market live, baby. What if no money was involved? However, I would like to say that it is morally wrong to catfish others using my image UNLESS you give me a cut of the money you've made off of them.
Speaking of making money off of dead celebrities, I present to you: My celebrity dead pool. Unfortunately, due to the legalities of US federal law, I cannot actually accept money or XMR for this, as it would be """gambling""". But, if you want to submit your prediction death list to me, you will be entered in. There is a prize, but it has no monetary value. CELEBRITY DEATH POOL 
May 1st, 2025 - December 31st, 2025 Ever find yourself wondering when George Soros is going to die, only for him to FINALLY croak a few weeks later? It's time to start capitalizing on celebrity deaths. This is the Celebrity Death Pool.
LEADERBOARD
HOW IT WORKS: HOW TO ENTER: HOW DOES WINNING WORK? HOW POINTS WORK: BONUS POINTS: RULES: WHAT IS THE PRIZE?
================ The obsession with sleekness and simplicity in hardware is making people idiotic. What are your favorite pieces of hardware? Can be computers, consoles, etc. I think the obsession with LEDs inside hardware is absurd, as well as clear cases to showcase the hardware. I like older clear housing, such as prison TVs and the Nintendo 64 controllers, however, those were more of a novelty which is what made them fun. Well, the prison TVs weren't so much a novelty as much as they were to make sure Juan wasn't storing his heroin inside the TV. Now instead of showcasing something cool inside the hardware like heroin, nerds just display gay anime figures inside their computer. Good luck hot gluing something behind a glass case. Pointless. I don't entirely care for "sleek" design, as most of the technology I am interested in tends to pre-date the "sleek" look we frequently see today. I'm much more fond of woodgrain on things such as VCRs, CRT TVs, and radios. I have even purchased woodgrain paper and stuck it to other more modern technology to make it look older than it actually is. Specifically, I did this to my Wii. I don't care for computer harware at all, as I find CPUs, GPUs, RAM sticks, motherboards, etc. to be uninteresting and there are so many variations of the aforementioned that I have no interest in them. Instead, I like the results the computer hardware creates, but I have no interest in computer hardware itself. My favorite hardware is the bank tube thing. I want to be shrunken so I'm 3" tall, then put into one of those bank tubes people put checks into at the bank. Then I want to be shot up while in the tube to the bank teller. That would be so fun.  ================ Thoughts on alcohol? Do you drink it, why/why not, is 21 a fair age for consumption, etc. I have never drank alcohol and never will. I don't see value in altering my conscious state with substances. I much prefer consciously choosing my mental state, rather than poisoning myself with alcohol and ruining my liver in order to have "fun" or to mask emotions I may be feeling. I'm retarded enough without alcohol; I certainly don't need it to have fun. Plus, if I needed alcohol to "have fun", then I do not actually, genuinely enjoy the social interaction and it is strange to drug myself to force myself to have fun. I also prefer to address my issues head-on, rather than masking my emotions with substances. I notice the younger genertions do not partake in drinking alcohol. I used to feel fairly isolated in this decision, but now I find it's very common for others around my age to feel similarly regarding alcohol. However, one thing that greatly, greatly irritates me is people who try to convince me to drink alcohol simply because I hate social interaction (especially in real life social interactions). I've had numerous people try very hard to convince me that I am "wrong" for not enjoying social interaction, and if I simply drank alcohol, it would fix this "issue" and I would love it. This irrates me to no end, and no matter how many different ways I explain to this type of person that I much prefer being at home rather than being in a bar with alcoholoics, the normie can't wrap their mind around it. They think that I must be depressed, dissatisfied, and lonely, simply because I dislike social interaction. Normies can't possibly comprehend a life outside of their own, and therefore, someone with a different social preferance than them must be broken an dissatisfied. In reality, I would be depressed and miserable hanging around with people in real life, especially with alcoholics. It's not to say I fully dislike socializing; but I only have one other person I enjoy socializing with and we're married. At that point, it doesn't feel like "socialization" -- it feels like I'm communicating with another part of my brain given the intense similarities and almost identical opinions. I think 15 is the true age of adulthood, and therefore, is the age one can choose to drink alcohol. Our society infantilizes humans for far too long. Personally, I was completely ready for adulthood at 15. Instead, I was forced into a government-mandated daycare called "public school", which was an absolute waste of my time and prevented me from finding a husband and having a family at my prime age. ================
Elaine Wencl Elaine Wencl was a 93 year old female(real) from Coon Rapids. Coon Rapids sounds slightly racist, so I propose that we change the town name to Goon Rapids. The C would only need to be slightly altered to be a G, so I suspect this name change shouldn't be a massive ordeal for those who reside in Goon Rapids. In any event, Elaine entered this shithole on October 28,1931. She expired on April 16, 2025. If my calculations are correct, that means she got to use the Senior Discount at Wendys for 38 years. How many Baconators do you think she flushed down the turlet after being on Earth for 93 years? I'm up to at least 63 Baconators. Elaine met her husband, Charles, at her high school dance in 1949. I assume segregation was well established during this time, so she probably didn't get to witness any black people grooving out better than white people do. Also, her obituary simply states that she met her husband at the high school dance, but it doesn't state if he was a student or teacher. Either way, he danced into her pants and they went on to have 4 kids -- so Charles kept her busy. Elaine liked to fish and fry the fish by the lake. The human equivilent is killing someone, then cooking their body in a park. C'mon Elaine, you cooked the fish right by the lake? You were tourmenting those poor fish in the lake. I like to imagine that only the suicidal fish swim up to the fishing hook, and so fishing is technically ethical. Elaine had other hobbies than just tourmenting fish. She was an avid knitter -- and that word is just two "g"s away from being highly offensive. Does the knitting community want to find a better word to call themselves other than knitters? Fun fact: Michael Obama is a knigger. Oops, I mean knitter. Just like a lot of knitters, Elaine enjoyed playing games like dominos and cards. Old people have such an affinity for gambling. I suppose when you have guarenteed social security money flowing in, you're desperate to donate your money to the Indians(feather) at the casino. Elaine also enjoyed traveling to Texas during the summers. Elaine was preceded in death by her husband, Charles; parents, Lloyd and Elvera; and brothers; Melvin and Edward "Dick" Sanders (kind of rude to call your brother a dick). Is it all that necearry to state that her parents died before her? If not, those mother effers would be in the Guiness Book of World Records by now. They wouldn't need a costume to dress up as the Crypt Keeper for Halloween. HEAVEN OR HELL? MY VERDICT: Don't let this old lady's kind looks deceive you. She enjoyed playing cards, and as far as I'm concerned, that's gambling. Good thing she likes hot Texas weather, because it's going to be even hotter in HELL, where she currently resides, because gambling is wrong. Elaine's legacy will forever live on for however long I continue to pay the hosting bill for Dukenukemis.cool. If you would like to send your wishes to the family, you may RESPECTFULLY sign the guest book here: https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/owatonnapeoplespress/name/elaine-wencl-obituary?id=58197069
THOUGHTS ABOUT CREMATION, SENDING FLOWERS, ETC. As I wrote the above obituary, I had a few interesting thoughts. For one, I have always thought cremation was a very strange practice. Personally, I believe that we should have junk yards, but for human bodies, and we let them naturally decompose there. Why do we HAVE to be burnt to a crisp, why do we HAVE to have our bodies preserved in a casket with our names identifying who we are via gravestone? I seriously believe that they keep our prserved bodies in graveyards with identifiable information above our bodies, because they (evil entities and the governmnet) are going to one day reinhabit our bodies as their own. That's why I will either dump my dead body in a Krogers dumpster, or ask someone to roll my body off a hill and let the buzzards have their way with my damaged goods. In regards to cremation -- who's to say that they *actually* cremated grandma? There have been many funeral homes that have faked giving ashes to the family, because it's much more time efficient to fake the ashes rather than burning a body. There's no true proof that the ashes are actually your grandma unless you went through the trouble of a DNA test -- and who does that? Ashes are a weird way to preserve someone's remains. I think it's even more worthless to scatter their ashes somewhere, because now you've dumped in thousands of dollars for the funeral cost and cremation, only to have the product (the ashes) be wasted away somewhere. At least with a preserved body, you could open up the casket and look at the body. Also, it's my belief that sending flowers as a condolence for the grieving family is very foolish. Flowers only highlight the dying process -- first they're pretty, then they wilt and die and smell bad, just like a body. But at least I like looking at flowers. I have a weird thing when it comes to looking at old people. I can't look at old people as I eat or else I start to gag. I'm not kidding. Personally, receiving flowers would remind me of the dying process. Except we're allowed to throw dead flowers in the trash, unlike dead humans. MY OBITUARY CONFESSION: I've started commenting "first" on obituaries that have no comments on them.
BABE OF THE MONTH
Ariel Rebel I'm going to be frank (just kidding, I tried being Frank and apparently I didn't look masculine enough), I'm afraid to share one of my all time waifus. Even though this woman is a total slut and anyone with an internet connection can see her cute asshole in about 4 seconds, I still want to gatekeep her. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and I couldn't think of a better Babe of the Month other than the one and only -- Ariel Rebel. I discovered Ariel Rebel last year when I came across a picture where I thought she looked a lot like me (below this paragraph). If you know my preference in women, you know that I vastly prefer to fall for women who look like me or possess traits very similar to mine. With that being said, I am somehow shocked that two separate people have called me a narcassist.
I will admit that Ariel Rebel is much, much, much cuter than me and her nipples are probably a shade or two pinker than mine and therefore she is superior. What I love about Ariel Rebel is that she does photosets where she is not gaping her backdoor to the point where I can see what she had for lunch yesterday. Her photosets include plenty of photos of her clothed and where she's cute, rather than posing in ways that are overtly sexual and boring. This is going to sound really gay of me (gay as in male love male), but I mostly save the pictures where she's clothed. I find them a lot cuter. For some reason, when you can see all the "goods" all the time, it's less special. Whereas if she had 2 or 3 pictures of her naked, I would most definintely schlick down to those hardcore style very often. But since those are easily accessible and plentiful, I lean towards the cute clothed pictures of her.
If you're like me and a pathetic half-lesbian who obsesses over unnatainable women on the internet, then I am glad to provide you with new material. Ariel Rebel has plenty of photo sets to enjoy, and in fact, I would love to take photos similar to her one day. Too bad my candids look like this:
^ That looks like a creature you'd conjure up in a D&D session. User-submitted dream I love when people have dreams about me, because it means I'm important enough to invade their subconscious. I do wonder if other entites are the ones pretending to be me in these dreams, so I find it interesting to hear about what I did in these dreams. If you have a dream about me, please email the dream (in the most detail possible) to me. This user specifically said his emailed dream was to be used in the monthly column. By default, your emailed dream will remain private. If you want your dream (or anything for that matter) to be used in my column, you must specify that in your email.
Editor's Note (this is now Ashley writing): Have you ever had a dream where you were hearing something in the dream, only to wake up and realize what you were hearing was from your real life surroundngs? Sometimes, real life scenarios (like sounds happening as we dream, or sensations that happen in real life as we dream) are what influence our dream. What I'm saying is, reader, is that you were actually being anally poked and prodded in real life, and this influenced your dream. How else would you actually physically feel yourself being anally diddled if it was JUST a dream? Maybe you were being probed by aliens in real life as you dreampt. ------------------------------------------ This is the end of the monthly column The subjects and questions were submitted to me via email (ashleyjones@icum.to) and my discussion board ( https://tubgurl.com/ashleyj/thread/29878.html ). Please submit your questions, tip requests, suggestions, etc. via email with the subject line, "MONTHLY COLUMN", or in the thread linked about the monthly column. I will address them in future monthly column issues. If you are a teacher who wants to use my column as educational reading material for students, you are welcome to do so. About the author: Ashley Jones Ashley Jones, author of other works such as, "Kevin Sorbo and the Baby Oil", is an esteemed creative writer and comic book creator. She is self-taught, yet many readers agree her skills surpass those who were trained in professional settings. Her goal in life is to work with the elderly in a retirement home in an attempt to acquire their posessions before they perish. She is survived by her two dogs. |
Mothers Day gifts
After 6+ months of doing my monthly column, I FINALLY had someone submit a personal advertisement. Too bad this guy sounds like a faggot, but I'll take what I can get. I'm going to email this guy pretending to not be me; I'm going to say I have work for him and see if I can get him to send me money for a ""background check"".
Dear Readers: Are you looking for love? Friendship? A job? Perhaps even a place to rent? You can find all of those things simply by advertising on my column. I accept personal advertisements free of charge. Please email ashleyjones@icum.to with the title "PERSONAL AD", and include the exact written text you would like to appear on the next monthly column. Please include your preferred contact method so readers can contact you if they are intereseted in your ad.
We're CheshIRC. Some of you may know us from our past advertisements in Ashley's monthly column! We love inviting people to our IRC. Regardless of your skin color, race, nationality, gender (or lack thereof!), we welcome you to chat with us. It's a 100% safe-space that in enforced by our wonderful mods (thank you mods!). No racism is ever allowed here. Racism is 
NOT
Just don't be surprised if you get a little too warm of a welcome at CheshIRC 
ENTER NOW. EMAIL YOUR LIST AND YOUR PSUEDONYM TO: ashleyjones@icum.to
I am including obituaries in my future columns. If you or anyone you know has recently died, please email me with the details. I will include a small memorial for them in my next column. Please email me the dead fuck's name, a picture of them, a little information about them (what they acheived in life, their line of work, if they were ever married/divorced, had kids, etc.), and include the cause of death. I think it's really irritating that obituaries rarely include the cause of death out of "respect". Now I feel like a disrespectful retard because I'm trying to search online as to how this person died. Anyways, email me ashleyjones@icum.to if you have someone you want to be memorialized in the next monthly column.
